[listen instead]
[allow us to take you on a thought journey]
When you have depression or trauma or sadness or anxiety or any other type of "disorder" of the brain, one of the most pervasive background thoughts tends to be "I just want to be happy."
If I can find happiness, then life will finally have meaning. Life will finally be bearable. I will finally be allowed to relax.
I cannot even begin to estimate how many times I have heard statements like this from others. I cannot even remotely estimate how many times I have said things like this in my own life.
Here's the thing though - statements like that mean literally nothing. They are conditional at best, and self-defeating at worst.
Conditional happiness vs. Unconditional happiness
Modern life bombards us with (and often profits off of) a thousand variations on the "if-then" promise:
If I can lose weight
If I can find a great relationship
If I can make more money
If I can afford a nicer car/apartment/wardrobe
If I can get that promotion
If I had more friends
....then I'd be happy.
It's an easy assumption to make - that happiness will finally arrive when your circumstances change. It's even easier to scroll through social media and see photos and announcements from people hitting these big important life milestones and think "Wow, I'll never be that person. Guess I'll never be happy like that." It's almost impossible to NOT subconsciously internalize the belief that "No matter what, I'm not good enough" - after all, self-loathing is the advertising industry's best friend. Self-loathing sells products.
We all have desires, and that’s a good thing. But thinking of happiness as something conditional means getting stuck in the pursuit of a target that will always be moving farther and farther away. It is anything but empowering, and leaves the state of your mental health hanging in the void - completely dependent on external circumstances.
Happiness is not a fish that you can catch.
You cannot just suddenly "find" happiness. You certainly cannot buy it. Happiness is a vague ideological concept. If you'd like to actually experience it, you need to start by defining it - in detail.
Happiness looks different to everyone. If you reach for something intangible, you'll never get it - logically, you have no idea what the fuck you're reaching for, so having "happiness" as a vague "goal" will keep you forever drowning in a sea of UNhappiness.
Learn to define your ideal life.
Let's break this down. What does happiness look like to you?
Let me give you a huge hint - happiness is not material. As we've seen time and time again, celebrities and the ultra rich - those who seem to have "everything" - are notorious for being some of the most miserable people on the planet. How? How is that even possible? How can someone be a billionaire and suffer from depression? At the risk of sounding cliche - because money doesn't buy happiness. Money buys security, comfort, and material possessions - but money cannot buy an intangible concept.
Happiness is something you create, not something you find.
Sit down with a pen and paper and really meditate on this. What does your ideal life look like? Do you have a great, fulfilling relationship - one that's supportive and intimately connected, where you feel safe to be your authentic self? Do you have your "dream job" or your own business? What does that look like? Is it a restaurant? (Do you REALLY want to have your own restaurant, or do you just currently see that as the only measure of success in this industry?) Are you getting paid a livable, fair wage that reflects your skills and experience? Where do you live? What kind of friends do you have? What kind of social life do you have? What does your health look like? What do YOU look like? Does your current physical image match how you see yourself? What do you do in your free time? Do you have hobbies?
If this is the first time you're hearing anything like this, it probably sounds really fucking stupid. Hear me out, though.
By defining a clear vision of what you actually, truly want, you give yourself something to pursue. Without clearly defined goals, you will flounder through life without a purpose - crashing into shitty jobs and shitty people and shitty life circumstances along the way. YOU are the creator of your own life - it is up to YOU to decide what you want your life to look like. Ask yourself - am I creating my life on default mode, accepting whatever is thrown my way - or am I consciously pursuing the life that I want?
You are whoever you condition yourself to be.
Look, I get it. If you weren't raised by people who understood this (and let's be real, most of us weren't), this all has the potential to sound like one of those stupid motivational platitudes that comes across as obvious and a bit condescending. In no way is that my intention - in a sense, I see these articles as the written reminders of a personal meditation that seemed important enough to record at the time. In a big way, these are the insights that directly led to experiencing an important perspective shift in my own life - one that I deemed crucial to maintaining the overall quality of my life - transcribed as a written record to my future self, lest she ever forget these important lessons. Take this advice as a starting point to discovering your own inner dialogue, not something that needs to be followed in rigorous detail - take it as a metaphoric guide for a life situation you may be experiencing; a moral code, of sorts.
Look, the hard hard truth is - happiness is something you earn through deliberate practice. Happiness is something that you consciously do on a daily basis - it is choosing to see the good in a situation instead of defaulting to the automatic reaction of only ever seeing what's wrong in life. It is a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute practice of looking for things to be happy about - with curiosity and intent. It is the constant decision to choose yourself with compassion above all else.
Intentionally un-learn the toxic mindsets you have come pre-installed with.
Make a point to challenge your beliefs regularly.
This will initiate a mental de-fragmentation.
Life will make much more sense when you learn to experience what comes up, instead of automatically resisting anything new. Be willing to challenge the default programming to see what's actually possible in this world, instead of constantly trusting the opinions of others. When you think "wow, that would be a cool story to live," allow yourself to actually follow the path that will allow that experience to become a reality - but remember that that IS what you are doing. You will only ever experience your desired reality if you choose to allow yourself to first admit and then to physically feel the desires you believe to be true. When there is resistance in life, it is a sure sign that you have an emotional blind spot that needs to be discovered. Resistance and difficulty are the subtle knockings of painful awareness on the front door of life, and they will get louder and louder until we answer.
Learn the lesson.
Some of us get lucky and start out in life with a shit ton more advantages than the rest of the world, and some of us have had to claw our way up from the very bottom. Maybe it's not our first time on this planet - who knows? Once we are born, there's seemingly nothing we can do about the life circumstances or "family" we've been born into - but it's our job to make the best of where we've started, and to continually strive to make the best of where we are, by choosing the moral good over the good of the personal ego.
Life is not a competitive race to the top of Humanity Mountain. It's a game that requires the completion of different levels, all of which are non-linear - essentially, it's one giant "choose your own adventure" book where each choice leads to a new chapter of our individual character's own personal story line. What do you want to happen next? What would you need to do to make that happen? What skills, abilities, or attributes would you like your character to possess? What steps can you take to begin acquiring them?
Face your fears and complete the level you're on.
Sometimes, you'll want to scream at people because you'll see them failing lessons that you've passed a long time ago. Sometimes others will think this about you, too. We are all moving through this world at our own pace - none of us got a map to life, and we're all kind of just winging it day by day, trying to do the best we can with all the info we've come across in life, moment by moment.
Resisting a lesson is a surefire way to guarantee its repetition. Take time to reflect and write down what has happened in your life - re-telling in the form of self admission is the powerful, necessary difficult first step to understanding and correcting anything in life. When processing a difficult emotion, the more times you work through it, the more it will make sense - this can be done either by talking with a patient friend, or writing in a journal.
Approach all difficulties as a challenge instead of a problem, and life will instantly become easier.
Feelings are only physical sensations - in no way are they a definition of your worth as a person. They are simply markings of where we're currently at in the game of life. Have compassion; everyone's character has something to teach you about your own if you're willing to pay attention long enough to see it for what it is. What decisions have caused your current "problems"? Be honest with yourself.
What lessons have you learned?
Write them down to solidify the truth. Be willing to consistently challenge your own truths as you experience and interact with the world, and be able to admit that maybe your prior decisions have had something to do with the situation you might find yourself in currently. Vow to actively look for ways to make your own life 1% better every day.
Define your demons in plain terms for what they are, and they will cease to haunt you.
Define your dreams in vivid detail, and with effort, they will manifest.
Acknowledge - Accept - Understand - Articulate - Visualize - Actualize
You cannot experience happiness until you know what it feels like.
You will never know what it feels like until you allow yourself to fully experience and understand the sensations that you are currently physically feeling. Shutting down the ability to feel is literally never useful in any situation - it is the fastest way to an empty, miserable existence. The ability to feel is something that can be learned with enough mindful attention - it is a discipline though, one that is both difficult to master and easy to forget - and must be practiced diligently.
One of the most toxic parts of kitchen culture is the pervasive belief that "feelings make you weak." It's not only incredibly immature - it's complete bullshit. Refusing to acknowledge or deal with your feelings is what actually makes you weak.
For the last decade, whenever something in life has truly blindsided me, my mantra has been "At least this is going to make a great chapter in my book."
Life is infinitely more enjoyable when viewed through the lens of absurdity.
Choose adventure over comfort.
Choose growth over stagnation.
Choose empathy over judgement.
Choose to look for the good instead of dwelling on the bad.
Choose authenticity over social acceptance.
Choose yourself, instead of letting life call the shots.
Choose to follow your own dreams, instead of helping everyone else build theirs.
You have a choice, even when it seems like you don't.
[awareness exercise]
Read this through fully, then scroll back up and follow these instructions step by step.
Find a place where you will not be disturbed. Turn on music that reminds you of the happiest parts of your childhood/teenage years - songs or artists that have strongly positive memories attached to them work best. Choose a playlist that makes you smile and think "Oh my god, I can't believe I used to listen to that band!" or "Wow, I haven't listened to this in years!"
On the top of a piece of paper, write the words "I WANT:" in large letters. Close your eyes and focus inward, focusing on your breath for a few moments. Feel yourself physically relaxing, and tune in to the sensations you are experiencing in your heart. Channel your younger self, open your eyes, and answer the question from their perspective. This works best if you do not try to censor yourself - write as if you're having a conversation with yourself. Don't read what you've written until you get a thought out in full.
If you find that you're having a hard time recalling anything, it can be helpful to lay down, close your eyes, and really tune in to the music - let yourself get lost in the music. Put yourself back in your younger shoes. Allow your mind to drift. When you realize that you're in a memory, open your eyes and write down as much as you can remember.
What did you want to do with your life? What dreams did you have? Try to remember the reasons why you wanted to do the things you dreamed about. Feel the memories fully. Write down as much as you can remember. Don't overthink this part - let yourself feel whatever memories come up. Spend as much time here as you need.
When you're ready, read what you wrote.
How many of those things have you accomplished so far?
It's perfectly normal to feel sad about some of the things on your list. Most of us have abandoned a few dreams along the way.
What caused you to abandon those dreams?
Often, we allow the opinions of others to force us into a life that we did not want. We allow societal pressures to mold us into a person we never wanted to become. We stop doing what we want, and begin doing what someone else wants. We abandon our own dreams to help someone else realize theirs.
Often, it's easier to give in than it is to keep fighting.
Remember your story. How has your life played out so far? Who has called most of the shots in your life? What has gotten in the way?
Who would you have to become in order to do the things that you have always wanted to do?
What would you have to give up? What would you have to learn? What steps could you begin to take?
If someone else were in your shoes, what would you advise them to do?
Scroll up to the top, and do this exercise as instructed.
Allowing others to choose for you will never give you the life you truly desire.
Get back in the control room, and start learning how to control the shots on your own.
Set a goal.
Formulate a plan.
Take your own advice.
Do you have an extremely busy mind and find it hard to focus or concentrate whenever you attempt to do an exercise like this? I've found through my own experience that it often helps to follow a guided recording to keep my thoughts on track. If you'd benefit from an audio recording, please email your name, your 3 favorite songs from childhood, and any other information that you feel might be relevant to: consciouschefs@gmail.com.
For less than the price of a cocktail ($10), I will make and send you a personalized "take your own advice" guided thought journey that you can listen to whenever things in life feel tough.
For $25, I will spend half an hour on the phone with you and do my best to help you translate whatever might be swirling around in your head. I will listen and give you honest advice - from the perspective of a friend.
Email for more info.
[absorb]
"Every time you learn something, you have to let go of something that you hold dear before you can reconstruct yourself."
[integrate]
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