[listen]
[read, with empathy]
One thing we've noticed in all of the industry chats and groups that we've seen in the last few weeks : SO many are hitting rock bottom right now. It is a time of collective unease for even the most stable among us - there's nothing comfortable about having your entire life turned upside down in the blink of an eye.
It's hard going through a crisis - but it's also incredibly difficult to watch someone else go through one, especially if you've weathered a similar storm and survived.
One of the most beautiful things that's happened so far is that so many people are trying to help - people who have just lost their restaurants or their jobs are volunteering their newfound free time to local food banks, shelters, or schools. It's amazing to watch the industry come together during a time like this.
Perhaps you've found yourself wanting to help on a smaller level. With so many currently struggling, a lot of us want to reach out and help when we see a friend or a community member posting from a place of hopelessness and despair - but we often have no idea where to actually start or how to actually "get through" to someone.
Have you ever tried to help someone, only to end up arguing with them because they "took your words out of context" and twisted them to mean something you would have never said? It's so frustrating, and we've seen that in so many industry forums - especially since the lockdown began. There's nothing more disheartening than feeling like "the bad guy" for trying to help.
How do we avoid this? We learn to communicate in more effective ways.
Now, more than ever, strong and effective communication skills are essential - emotions have reach critical mass and left many in the middle of a full-blown mental health crisis. One thing that's desperately needed right now is genuine human connection, but that's not really something we learn in the kitchen.
One key aspect of communication is often overlooked: the power and impact of listening.
To truly help someone in a crisis:
listen before you speak,
and listen more than you speak.
Too often, while someone is speaking, people are only thinking about what they want to start saying next. That’s a big mistake - not only do you miss out on fully hearing what the person is saying, but you rob yourself of the opportunity to fully explore and understand what they’re trying to share with you. Instead, take the time to ask follow up questions. Questions show them that you’re actually listening, and they make sure you don’t miss out on something important (like a warning sign that the person might harm themselves or others, for example).
When someone is going through a difficult time, make them the focal point - resist the urge to give unsolicited advice or share personal anecdotes. This often unintentionally makes them feel like they don't matter, because it turns the conversation towards you. Don't interrupt their story with one of your own. It's tempting to do this, because sharing a personal story feels like you're connecting - but it often has the opposite effect on the other person, causing them to shut down or withdraw. Don't try to solve their problem for them - ask them questions that guide them towards figuring it out on their own.
If you do feel like your experience might offer a bit of comfort or a perspective that they might benefit from, ask them if they are in a space to hear it - getting permission to share is crucial. Not everyone is, and if you share while they're not in a space to receive, it often builds resentment and intensifies depression.
If someone has directly asked for your advice, it's often more helpful to talk about how and why you made a decision - instead of telling them about the decision you made in the past. Walk them through your thought process instead of lecturing them. Lecturing tends to immediately put people on the defense - most of us hate being told what to do, and that's often what unsolicited advice feels like. The goal is to make the person in a crisis feel SEEN and HEARD, and this is accomplished through validation and attentive, active listening.
Active listening vs. Passive listening
Our industry is notoriously dominated by the ego, and engaging in truly empathetic connection isn't exactly our strong point. We are great at hearing, but often not the best at listening.
Hearing is when we use our ears to perceive the words that are being spoken.
Listening is paying attention with our other senses and cognitive functions (attention, memory, thinking, reasoning) to fully understand the meaning behind the words that are being spoken.
Passive listening is hearing without the intention of responding or engaging - it's what we do when we're watching TV, listening to the radio, or on a horribly boring date. A passive listener is often multitasking or distracted, and is not really interested in what the speaker is saying.
Most people listen to respond.
An active listener, on the other hand, is someone who is engaged in what the speaker is saying. An active listener pays full attention to the words, and often the mood and non-verbal behaviors of the person speaking. Active listening requires the listener to fully concentrate, understand the message, respond thoughtfully and remember what is being said. It involves the listener observing the speaker’s behavior and body language, while understanding the feelings behind them. Active listening requires connection.
Active listening is a conscious effort that demands empathy, effort, attention, and lots of practice
In most professional kitchens, "HEARD!" is the ubiquitous word we use to signify that we have perceived the words that a coworker has said. That coworker is usually the expediter, and the words are usually an order. We are trained to parrot and execute - and we are often criticized when we ask for clarification.
There are 3 levels of active listening.
Level 1: Repeat
This one is obvious, and shouldn't be the first step as it often comes across as a bit awkward. Repeating is just what it sounds like - repeating what someone says using the exact same words that they used.
In the kitchen, this is easily understood as an order callback. "Three risotto all day, heard!"
Level 2: Paraphrase
This one is a much better approach - paraphrasing is when you use similar words and phrases to slightly change what someone else has just said before repeating it back to them. Paraphrasing shows that you have understood the basic idea that the person is trying to convey, and is far less awkward than direct repetition.
In the kitchen, this is often what we do when a server comes in during the middle of a rush with an outrageous modification - "So you're saying they want to take everything delicious off of the sandwich, AND they want the fish broiled instead of fried?!"
Level 3: Reflect
The best way to show someone that you're listening is to take what they've said, deconstruct it down to its most important points, and put it into your own words. Before moving on from a topic, take a moment to reflect on what they’ve said. Share with them in your own words what you think they were saying, and see if they agree. Use phrases like "So what you're saying is..." “What my understanding from this is…”. This creates clarity on both sides and helps to avoid misunderstandings, instead of assuming that everyone understands each other (remember this phrase - to assume is to make an ass out of u and me).
In the kitchen, this is the chef who responds to a difficult modification with "Oh, they're gluten free? No problem. Let them know that we mix our rice with orzo, which has gluten - but we can sub quinoa if they want."
How to validate someone's feelings
Empathy is an important component of active listening because having empathy for the other person validates their words and recognizes their feelings. Validation is, in essence, agreeing with the truth in someone else's statement - their thoughts, feelings, or actions. This doesn't mean you need to agree with everything they say - if someone is feeling hopeless, for example, you don't have to agree that there is no hope - instead, validate them by understanding that that's how they currently feel. You are agreeing with the fact that they are in pain or that they care about someone that they've recently lost or that things are really rough for them right now.
Try to look for ways that someone's feelings make sense, given their past experiences and state of mind.
Validation can look like:
Thanks for sharing that with me.
I totally get why you would feel like that.
I believe you.
I haven't experienced that, but I understand why you'd feel that way.
Wow, that must have been really tough.
I don't understand that, but that's ok.
It's disappointing when things don't go your way.
Invalidation is actually a form of emotional abuse. It uses dismissal to minimize someone else's pain and acts as an empathy blocker. Anyone who grew up with emotionally unavailable parents will recognize these statements:
Holding space
"Holding space" is a newer term in therapy that has roots in the Buddhist practice of loving kindness.
When you "hold space" for someone, you are essentially creating a temporary container (a "space") for the other person’s emotions to come up, be seen without the interference of your own, and be released.
Holding space is like creating a metaphorical bucket for someone to emotionally and verbally vomit into.
Holding space doesn’t mean you remove or avoid your own emotions (try to observe them instead) - and it doesn’t mean you get sucked into their emotional state (because then you’ll both need a bucket). Most of us are familiar with the process of taking care of a friend when they've had WAY too much to drink - the best thing to do is to just be there with them, make sure they don't choke on their own vomit, make them some tea or snacks, wrap them in a blanket, and make sure they don't do anything stupid or dangerous.
Holding space is emotionally taking care of someone.
Presuppositions
Presuppositions are sneaky little wordplays that interject meaning and implied assumption into a sentence - they are things that are communicated, but not necessarily said.
"What did you do to deserve it?" - this presupposes that the person did, in fact, deserve it
"Is everything ok?" - this presupposes that everything is, in fact, ok.
"Why is this so delicious?" - this presupposes that it is, in fact, delicious
"The beverage you're about to enjoy is extremely hot" - this presupposes that you are going to enjoy the beverage
"The neighbor's dog is barking" - this presupposes that the neighbor has a dog
"He regretted eating six cheeseburgers" - this presupposes that he ate six cheeseburgers
"Who is coming?" - this presupposes that someone is coming
Many things in conversation are presupposed - for example, if you were to read "The boy took his dog to the store", what image popped into your head? What did the boy look like? What kind of dog did he have? What kind of store did he go to? What kind of neighborhood does he live in? How did he get to the store? There are many layers of assumption hidden below the original sentence. Chances are, the image you saw in your mind looks radically different than the one I saw in mine. We tend to fill in the blanks with images that are familiar to us - neighborhoods that look like our own (or where we grew up), physical features that look like us, stores that are familiar to us, dogs that look like ones we have loved or encountered, et cetera. This simple idea causes so many misunderstandings and miscommunications - and knowing about it can help to prevent them in the future. This is why clarification is so important.
Presuppositions have a way of undermining a conversation - they often make the listener feel like they need to defend themself, which can quickly turn a conversation into an argument. Pause before you speak, and choose your words carefully. Be conscious of the assumptions you make while speaking - what are you implying? How would you react if you were in their position? Are you coming across as judgmental?
Note: there is a difference between "how would you react" and "how would you react if you were in their position." It's important to remember this and be sensitive to the unique life experiences of the person you are attempting to help.
To summarize:
Listen more than you talk
Don't interrupt when someone else is talking
Listen with curiosity and the intention to understand
Do not judge them or criticize them, ever
Pause before you respond to give the person time to collect their thoughts and fully express themself - let them finish what they are saying
Validate their feelings with reflective phrases that show you understand what they are going through
Avoid the temptation to give advice unless you're directly asked
Ask questions, but don't interrogate
Avoid questions that can be answered with either "yes" or "no"
Get permission before sharing personal stories - make the conversation about them, not you
Avoid presuppositions
Provide positive feedback
Avoid "should have, could have, would have" statements
Don't try to solve their problems - guide them towards figuring it out on their own
Questions to ask when someone you know is going through a crisis:
[each situation is unique. use your own discretion and assess the situation first.]
How are you feeling right now?
Address the elephant in the room: Wow, this is crazy/sad/horrible... how has it affected you?
What happened?
What are your biggest worries or concerns right now?
Would you like to talk about what's bothering you, or are you more in the mood for a distraction?
How did it end?
What was that like?
How have you been sleeping?
What would make you feel more confident or comfortable right now?
What kind of challenges are you currently facing?
What have you been up to during the downtime?
What do you miss most about (job or person)?
What normally helps you feel better?
What's been the hardest part of (specific situation) for you?
What does (coping method or habit) do for you?
How has your home life changed since (major life event)?
Can I do anything to help?
What's your favorite memory of (person or thing they lost)?
I noticed that I haven't seen you around much - I'd love to catch up, when would be a good time?
Notice the theme?
A good rule of thumb is: if your response has the word "I" in it, don't say it. Step back and rephrase. How can you make it about them? If you were in their shoes, what would you want someone to ask you?
So many of us in the restaurant industry come from less than ideal families - which is a large part of why we tend to form bonds with our coworkers as quickly as we do. If we're going to call each other family, doesn't it make sense to treat each other the way we wish our families would have treated us? Doesn't it make sense to break the cycle of shame and bullying and toxicity? What's the point of creating a new family if we're just going to repeat all of the same stupid bullshit that we grew up with?
There’s so much to be learned from others, and that only happens if you give them a chance to speak.
Be the person you wish you would have had in your life when you were at your worst.
[awareness check - how to practice active listening]
Active listening skills call for quieting the mind and engaging fully in what is going on around you. Despite how simple it sounds, it is often not something that comes naturally for most of us. The following active listening activities build on each other and are ordered by the level of skill required, so start from the top and work your way down the list. If you find that one step challenges you more than others, spend more time on it until you master it. If you feel like you get stuck and can’t advance to the next level, then take a step back to make sure you have mastered the previous levels of listening skills.
Step 1
Find a place where you can be alone. Close your eyes and tune in to all the different sounds around you, and practice identifying them one by one, one after another. Traffic, wind, music, people talking, random humming sounds, rain, far away noises, animals, and any other sounds that come your way. When you inevitably notice that your thoughts have drifted away from the sounds, pause and shift your attention back to the sounds. Keep doing this until you can stay fully focused on sounds for at least a minute or longer.
Step 2
Find a place where you’re alone, but surrounded by people - a cafe or a shopping mall is a perfect setting. Listen to their voices, and try to make sense of what individual people are saying - pick out one person at a time. This works best if they're near you, but not too close. Shift your attention from one group of people to the next, always trying to make sense of what they’re saying. Notice the difference in the sounds of people's voices. The point of this activity is to exert control on how you focus and shift your attention at will. If you have a hard time with this, try imagining a cord between you and the person you're trying to listen to - let the sound of their voice travel along the cord from their mouth to your ears.
Step 3
Find a busy public place where you are surrounded by people, and deliberately focus on each person’s mood. No need to focus on their voices, just focus on the person’s demeanor and try to figure out what mood they are in. The point of this activity is to be able to control how you focus any and all of your senses, which in turn sharpens your ability to listen. If you're having trouble with this, remember that curiosity is your best ally. Try to really observe body language, facial expressions, subtle gestures, and non-verbal behavior - things that make up a person's "vibe".
Step 4
Bring it all together: The next time you are among a group of people, whether it's a work shift, a meeting, or a social event, try the following: Focus only on what each person says, without rehearsing what you’re going to say next. Focus on each person’s vibe - try to understand their mood and demeanor. If it's appropriate, you can try paraphrasing or reflecting what people say. Listen and observe intently, and try to let everyone else speak before you do. You will be amazed at what you pick up.
Step 5
This is the most complex of the active listening activities, because you’ll practice listening while engaging in conversation - switching back and forth between talking and listening. If you are talking to a small group of people, focus your attention on (1) the message you’re giving and (2) each person in the group: their mood, their words, their facial expressions, and their nonverbal behavior. You may be tempted to focus on the message only, or on yourself and how you’re delivering the message. Instead, try focusing on the message and each person in the audience.
Being able to both talk and listen is the mark of a master communicator. This ability will give you access to understanding people and connecting with them in very powerful ways.
The easiest way to maintain this skill is with the regular practice of sensory meditation.
Meditation has a whole host of side effects , like improving focus and concentration, reducing or eliminating symptoms of depression, improving symptoms of ADHD, managing symptoms of anxiety, more harmonious relationships, a deeper understanding of the mind, less emotional reactivity, lower heart rate, better responses to stressful situations, and a general peace of mind... and that's only what I've personally experienced.
[exercises adapted from people-communicating.com]
[practice]
[integrate]
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