[listen]
[read, with awareness]
If you will not imagine yourself as other than what you are, then you remain as you are. If you do not believe that you are he - the person you want to be - then you remain as you are.
-Neville Goddard, "The Power of Awareness"
At the core of every habit is a piece of our identity.
Somewhere, some part of you identifies with being the type of person who does that sort of thing (whatever your "habit" is - drinking, smoking, gambling, cheating on your partner, lying, overeating, et cetera) - even if you perceive it to be morally wrong.
Sometimes, a bad habit is a huge part of our identity - often, it's a tiny sliver hidden deep beneath a mountain of shame. One thing remains constant - we believe that we are the type of person who does the things we are trying to not do.
Changing a habit is hard because deep down, we know that changing a habit requires us to change a part of our identity. It's not that quitting smoking is hard - it's that quitting smoking requires us to stop being a smoker, and changing a part of our identity is incredibly weird and uncomfortable. We tend to define ourselves by the things we do - and when we decide to stop doing one of those things, it threatens our identity in a very real way.
You cannot change a habit until you believe that you are the type of person who no longer does it.
Let's explore this with a little more nuance.
If you wanted to quit smoking, for example, here's the way this thought process would play out:
Deconstruct the identity: Figure out what part of you identifies as being a smoker - why do you feel the need to smoke? What does it do for you? What are your first memories of smoking? When did smoking become a habit? What was going on in your life during that time? Why did you decide to start smoking in the first place? Identify your identity triggers and habit origins.
Identify somatic sensations: What were you feeling in your body right before you got the craving for a cigarette? Was there physical discomfort anywhere - any heaviness, tingling, jolts, or stinging/weird sensations? Identify the physical sensation and describe it in as much detail as you can. Where is it located in the body? Feelings are not emotions - feelings are just physical sensations.
Identify triggering thoughts: What are your thoughts right before you go out for a cigarette? Are they avoidant, nervous, sad, angry, or something else? Often, we use bad habits to mask painful emotions. Emotions are simply the meaning we have assigned to a physical sensation - they are nothing more than a descriptor and aren't anything to be ashamed of.
Honestly admit what you like about it: Identify the part of you that actually secretly (or maybe not so secretly) enjoys being the kind of person who smokes. What do you associate with being a smoker? Is it a bad boy type of coolness? Does the identity give you a weird little bit of confidence? It's easier to socialize with smoking as an ice breaker - "Got a light?" is a surefire way to start a conversation, and "I need a cigarette" is a great way to excuse yourself from an awkward social situation. Does smoking give you access to a social network? Do you associate smoking with good times and carefree memories? Does smoking conjure up images of villains or suave movie characters? What is it about that identity that draws you in? What do you really like about that type of character? Be radically, uncomfortably honest with yourself. If you did not get a tiny bit of pleasure from the habit you are trying to change, you wouldn't be doing it in the first place.
Make a firm, conscious decision: Decide that you're going to become a non-smoker. This sounds simple, but it's actually the crucial part of why most people fail to change their habit - they forget to construct a new identity. When we give up a part of our identity, we need to replace it with a new identity of the person we are trying to become. What would being a non-smoker feel like? What kind of things does a non-smoker do? What does a non-smoker say when someone offers them a cigarette? What does a non-smoker look like? What does a non-smoker do when they're stressed? How does a non-smoker start a conversation with a stranger? What would becoming a non-smoker mean about you? There is so much tied to a habit below the surface that we don't ever think about. Launching an inquiry like this is exhausting, but incredibly rewarding.
Find the self-serving motive: How will this lifestyle change make YOUR life better? What will you get from this? Often, we feel powerless to our habits and addictions. What do you get out of this change? Are you going to treat yourself with the money you saved from buying cigarettes? What are the positives? How will this change benefit you?
Become the new identity: To crystallize a new habit, we must prove it to ourself. Act as if you are a non-smoker. At first, it will feel extremely weird - like you're faking it, or playing a role. You are. An identity change takes time though, and with enough practice, you will become the person you want to be. If you practice being a non-smoker for long enough, you will eventually feel like one. When you've cooked for long enough, a chef is something you eventually feel like - not just something you do. A chef is something you become after years and years of practice. Eventually, it starts to feel right - because you become the type of person who does it.
Often, we hold a lot of subconscious judgments toward the type of person we need to become in order to eradicate the habit that's holding us back - things like "non-smokers are all squares/lame/losers/no fun/self-righteous jerks" etc - and as a result, we resist adopting the new identity because we fear that we will turn into a type of person that we love to hate.
The cool/slightly terrifying thing about identity construction though, is that you usually end up becoming the type of person you think you'll become. Your thoughts have immense power - if you continually focus on "not" becoming something, you are also holding a vision of that undesirable thing in your subconscious (ex. "I don't want to die alone" turns into a mental photo of you, alone with 40 cats - instead, try to consciously form mental photos of what you DO want, not what you DON'T want - imagine a loving family or a great relationship or whatever it is you actually want). Our brains respond to two things: the words we use, and the pictures we form in our minds. Both of these are within our control - we just need to become aware of what we're working with.
What are you telling yourself? What does your brain-chatter say to you?
What we resist, persists.
If you don't want to be "the loser/ no fun non-smoker," choose to visualize the type of non-smoker you actually want to be. What do you want your life to look like as a "cool non-smoker?" Give yourself something to work toward. Without a defined vision of the person you want to become, your life will default to realize all of your worst fears.
Stop creating on autopilot, and learn to create with intention.
Stop thinking about what you don't want, and start thinking about what you do want.
Quitting smoking is not the same thing as becoming a non-smoker.
Losing 20 lbs is not the same thing as becoming someone who values health and goes to the gym 4x a week.
Giving up drinking is not the same thing as becoming sober.
Quitting drugs is not the same thing as getting clean.
Following a vegetarian diet is not the same thing as becoming someone who doesn't eat meat.
Getting rich is not the same thing as becoming someone who understands how to make money.
Treating depression is not the same thing as becoming the type of person who is generally happy (one I learned through direct personal experience).
Notice the pattern? The initial goals are centered around outcomes, not identity. Outcome-based goals will only get you so far - they are essentially mental fad diets.
Start with WHY
The most effective way to change your habits is to start by focusing not on what you want to achieve, but instead on why this habit matters to you and the type of person you want to become.
Once you have a clear vision of why you want to make this change and who you want to become in the process, then you can figure out the new habits you want to create - or which old habits you want to break - in order to reinforce that identity.
Think of the process of habit change like an onion. According to James Clear, there are 3 layers at which change can occur: outcomes, processes, and identity.
Changing your outcomes. This level is concerned with changing your results: losing weight, quitting smoking, getting married, winning a James Beard award. Most of the goals you set are associated with this level of change.
Changing your process. This level is concerned with changing your habits and systems: writing more detailed prep lists, implementing a personal monthly budget, organizing your recipes for better workflow, developing a meditation/exercise practice. Most of the habits you build are associated with this level.
Changing your identity. The deepest level is concerned with changing your beliefs: your worldview, your self-image, your judgments about yourself and others. Most of the beliefs, assumptions, and biases you hold are associated with this level.
Outcomes are about what you get.
Processes are about how you do it.
Identity is about why you believe it.
Many people begin the process of changing their habits by focusing on what they want to achieve. This leads us to outcome-based habits. The alternative is to build identity-based habits. With this approach, we start by focusing on who we wish to become.
We often draw conclusions about who we are based on our behaviors - the more we repeat a certain behavior, the more we reinforce the identity associated with that behavior.
Without a shift in identity, all attempts to change a habit will fail. In order to believe in a new identity, we have to prove it to ourselves - this is why "tiny wins" are so important! Celebrating our progress is a way of telling ourselves "See? I can do this! I'm taking steps in the right direction!"
If you do not believe that you are the type of person who can become the type of person that you truly want to be, you never will.
If you believe you can, you will. If you believe you cannot, you will not.
Learning from Lobsters 🦞
Change is uncomfortable, and growth is often messy.
Lobsters are fleshy, soft little creatures surrounded by hard armor. As the lobster grows, it gets more and more uncomfortable within the confines of its shell - eventually, it gets SO uncomfortable that it goes somewhere safe, folds itself in half, cracks itself open, and slowly sheds its shell. It spends a few days naked and vulnerable, slowly building up a new shell. The lobster repeats this over and over, growing bigger and stronger each time.
To a lobster, the initial discomfort is what prompts the change. It knows that it must go through a period of vulnerability to successfully cast of its own shell and grow into a bigger, better one. Without this discomfort, it would stay small and stuck - unable to truly enjoy life to the fullest.
Imagine if lobsters had doctors - they would never grow! As soon as the lobster felt uncomfortable, it would go to the doctor, get a pain killer and feel fine again. It would never cast off its shell.
According to Dr. Carrie Wilkins, there is almost always a period of insecurity or fear during a major life change. It's perfectly normal to have thoughts like "Am I doing the right thing? How will I adapt and cope with the change? Who will support me in making the change? Who will try to undermine me?"
When thinking about the lobster, it is worth considering the ways that we push away the discomfort we feel in life, when feeling it might give us a clue to the things in our life that need to change. If you go out drinking everyday after work to manage the “stress” at work, maybe it is worth wondering…what would happen if you just felt your feelings about work? Would you want to change jobs? Would you want to meet with your boss and see if things could be managed differently? Would you feel better if you got some exercise and went to bed early so that you were better able to handle the stress? By numbing out our uncomfortable feelings we never know that it’s time to grow and change things up.
Think about your own shell - your ego identity. Let yourself feel the discomfort, and understand it as a necessary precursor to growth. Are you ready to crack yourself open and molt into your new life?
[Watch: the Rabbi and the Lobster]
It's up to you
We are our own worst enemies - which is why the internal battles are the most painful. We're the only one who can fight them.
Changing a habit is a cognitive jump that you make. It is an intellectual leap of faith into the unknown - a step forward onto a path that is both unfamiliar and uncomfortable. There is no guarantee in the unknown - there is only possibility, and possibility is terrifying when you're used to disappointment. Trust yourself.
Stop worrying about results and start worrying about your identity. Become the type of person who can achieve the things you want to achieve.
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity.”
-James Clear, "Atomic Habits"
[Perspective addendum]
If this sounds a bit wishy-washy to you, I get it. It took me a while to really embrace this idea - but when I did, everything changed. I spent 12 years dealing with PTSD, depression, and crippling anxiety. I tried dozens of times to quit various habits, but nothing stuck for longer than a month or two. I have personally used this technique on many things in my life - the biggest one being my depression. I stopped identifying with the image of someone who was depressed. One by one, I faced my demons head-on. I started reading about happiness, and started actually following the advice & habits that the "happy, functional people" seemed to all suggest - and to my surprise, it fucking worked. It worked SO well that I was actually angry about it - there was definitely a period of "why didn't I discover this sooner?!" rage, along with feeling like I wasted years of my life wallowing in unnecessary sadness, struggle, and drama.
Change is weird but worth it 💜
[awareness check]
What habits do you currently have that "hold you back?"
What's preventing you from changing them?
Who do you need to become to do the things that you want to do?
What do you need to learn?
What steps can you take to begin to move in that direction?
[absorb]
"I am responsible for everything that happens - everything."
If you're hearing the call and want to make a change in your life, we offer affordable + sliding scale personal coaching. If you're feeling stuck and would like some help navigating the darkness, email us for more info at consciouschefs@gmail.com
If this article sparked something in you and you'd like to send us a thank you tip, every dollar helps and goes directly towards website maintenance + content creation 🙏🏻
Hozzászólások